i cannot bring myself to forget her.....

today has been a terrible day..... i cannot do this..... this was the exact reason i didnt go to uni yesterday..... its those memories...... and today has been the worst. every single place i go..... it haunts me..... she doesnt love me..... and yet thought and memories of her wont leave me either. cannot even bring myself to look in the mirror anymore. every single moment today has made me wish i was dead. its everything around me...... every bit of it reminds me of her.... like the brown t shirt i am wearing today.... used to be her favorite..... even the sacred computer labs on level 3.... the access card form with her writing in it.... they all make me wish i got shot or run over or had a heart attack and died instantly... i really want to die..... i know it sounds selfish.... but thats just how i feel.... its the easy way out.... the cowardly way.... but what else can i do.... i tried to hide it from the outside world..... but even that doesnt work anymore...

if anyone has a better idea, let me know......

a liar is a liar is a liar

far out.... i am a mess..... you ever go and screw up something that means the world to you?? i have..... i have gone and screwed it all up..... possibly forever.... i dont know what to do..... i have driven her away forever and this is all my fault. a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. even a little lie is a lie.... and lying never does anyone any good... all it does is make babies cry. how do you convince someone who thinks you are a full time liar?? i know i shouldnt have done what i did...... but yet i did it anyways...... and i screwed it all up when i told her the truth..... and now she is gone.... i dont feel like doing anything now..... i didnt even go to uni today.... my only salvation is work.... the only place she hasnt been.... the only place where there are no memories of her being there.... and ill admit it.... seeing shots of her with another guy's arms around her burns me from the inside. makes me wish i was dead. i am afraid to even open up a MSN convo window with her....... i cant even look at photos of her anymore.... coz i know i will lose it..... i will end up a mess of tears if i do..... but right here behind me is the book she returned to me.... with a rose and a pic inside.... my favorite book of all time.... david gemmell.... i am trying.... but i cannot stop thinking about what i did to her..... i cannot possibly move on.... not now.... not ever..... not after what i did to her.... and this is all my fault.... she has every right to blame me.... every right to leave me..... but that doesnt mean that its all gone.... that its all forgotten.... this is what i came up with for her..... based on the same tune to the song by hoobastank- the reason
"i am sorry that i hurt you.
i never meant for it to be this way.
and now i have lost you.
i wish there was something i could say,
that would (take) all this hurt and this pain away.
and bring you back to me.
but now i see that its too late.
i hope you have a happy life.
without me next to you.
without me hurting you.
without me loving you.
the life you always wanted,
looks like your wish did come true.
a life in which ill be missing you.
but all i can say is that i am sorry for lying to you."

but she still thinks i am a liar..............

a blast from the past

ok, so a few days ago, at the insistance of varun, i finnaly started up my orkut profile..... and tonight while i wait for matlab 7 to install, i thought i would just go and browse orkut for a while.... and of all the people, guess who i decided to search..... my old friends from AG. munjal and jinay. now i had been trying to find these guys on hi5 for months now.... but finally gave up a fruitless search. i was starting to think that they had completely disappeared off the face of this earth and all they will remain is a memory from the past. but i found them.... and jinay still looks pretty much the same as i remember him..... but its so good to be back in touch with those guys.... i use to hango ut with those guys at school back when i was 10 or 11..... last time i saw them was when i was 14..... so yea.... its been a long time since i last kept in touch with either of them.... but i finally found them.... YAY!!!

decisions

This has been one screwed up day. Everything thats gone wrong has. What is one person to do when his entire world comes to a crashing halt?? You pick up the pieces and put it back together. No matter what the cost. Its so screwed up that i dont even want to think on it. On the other hand, today i was with my dad the whole day helping him out with a job at an office. That gave me a good opportunity to have a talk with him about future business opportunities and the possible implications of such a business venture. But at the moment its gonna be a bit tough juggling a full-time job and a business. But nothing in this life is ever convenient. But lets see if this will work out in the first place before we get into too much details about it. The pay will sure as hell be a tad bit better. but then again, with a business venture such as this one, the capital required is a sizeable amount. but then again, the rewards are just as good as well. lets see what 2moro has in store.

reader input

here is a question to all you readers out there.......... how can you tell if someone is messing with your head and your heart?? how can you tell when you are being suckered into something?? how can you tell when someone is toying with your emotions for their own joy?? how can you get out of it??

The dark time

right now i am sitting here at my comp.... my head in my hands.... just staring at the keyboard. There is so much to say, yet there are no words to describe it. There are so many emotions, yet i cant express them to her.... There is only one question, yet she cant answer it. There is only one thing i want. but that is the one thing she never understands. the minute it happened, my inner self started eroding away. i didnt notice it at first. but as the true implications started sinking in, as i realised exactly what it meant, it caught me off guard. i certainly did not anticipate this... this cannot be happening.... yet it is... i did not want this to happen... yet i could do nothing to stop it from happening when it did happen... and with each passing moment, its turning more and more of my insides into a rock. just a dead weight. it doesnt speak to me anymore like it used to. it doesnt respond when i ask it a question. i dont even know if it is alive anymore or not. my only sanctuary is my head in my hands staring at nothing in particular. just staring at whats infront of me. its gonna be this way until things go back to normal. until she is back with me. until we are happy together once more. but in the event that this does not happen, then i dont know what i would do. this is certainly something that i cannot prepare for no matter how much time i have. i feel mad. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel...... what is this i feel..... i cannot describe it. but its there.... OH TRUST ME!!! ITS DEFINATELY THERE!!! i have a feeling that my stubbornness have made things even worse. and i am admitting to myself that i am wrong. but i wont admit it to her. i cannot.... i dont know why, but i just cant. call it being egoistic. call it stupidity. call it whatever you want. but i just cant admit it to her. i can agree to it if she points it out. but i just wont admit it.

The way i see it, i have two options. i can either be really sad and miserable about it, or i can celebrate it. but i choose the first option. knowing full well of all the choices i have. why am i sad?? because i have hurt someone i love more than i love myself to the point of no return. and this has cost me dearly. 13 days is a lifetime apart. every second is driving me insane. every second makes me want to do something really painful and stupid to end this misery. the clock is still ticking away...... and i still love her. despite all that has happened, i still love her. i still need her and i will always love her till the moment i take my last breath before my eternal sleep. and if i lose her due to this, i will only blame one person. me. and i will hate this person for the rest of my life.

i HATE ME ALREADY!!!

Summary of 2006 part 2

so, to conclude the first part and to finally sum up an entire year..... thats 365 days of my life, well, lets just say that this year has had its ups and downs...... but all in all, its been a good year.... not just good, GREAT!!! But every year has a new challenge. so this year has a lot in store. i already got my countdown timer running. right now it says its exactly 357 days 23 hours and 21 mins till the end of 2007. anyways, something funny i noticed, 2 people have stuck to me solid this year...... these two people are truly special to me because they are not my family but they are the next best thing. Firstly ofcourse, there is my beloved Helena..... for some reason, i mention her in almost anything.... you noticed that?? lol.... anyways, helena was the first one to wish me a new year last year and she was the first one to this year as well... and then, there is Maha..... my GANDU partner in crime.... :P anyways, they have stuck solid to me this entire past year..... the work xmas party was awesome..... Said my manager got drunk pretty quick... lol.... and overall, it was a great night... but a year gone is a year gone.... lets see what this one has in store.

summary of 2006 part 1

First of all:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAAN!!!!

So as time flows, another year comes to an end. The year of 2006. This year has certainly had its ups and downs. To think that exactly one year ago, a random girl by the name of HelenaRaj added me on hi5. I had no idea who she was. This time last year, i was working at subway asking people what salads they wanted on their six inch. lol. All i did was stay home and play Yahoo pool. I had locked myself into isolation. I was still uncertain about what this year had in store for me. Hell, i didnt even know how i did in my NCEA level 3. I had isolated myself from everything else. My only reason to leave home was to go to work. Man a lot has changed in the past 365 days.

This year saw the passing of a world icon. The tragic death of Steve Irwin shocked us all..... even people who didnt know of him that well were affected in some small way by his death and people did everything in their own way of mourn his passing......

This year also wasnt such a good year for Richard Hammond from Top Gear either. while doing some filming for top gear, he managed to have a high speed crash at nearly 450KM/H. This saw Top Gear on the brink of extinction and Richard Hammond in the ICU on the verge of death itself. The fate of top gear still rests unknown and Richard has known to be doing just fine except for an unusual addiction to celery!!!!

But hey the world still goes around and with the passing of this year, it makes all of us realise that time truly waits for no one. As far as my life goes, well lets just say that its been filled with its moment. its had its ups and its DEFINATELY had its downs. ill admit, it aint exactly been the best of years for me, but whether i like it or not, it has happened and there is no changing it.

This year has seen a lot of people drift apart from my life..... partly due to my laziness of communication and partly coz of other reasons..... and i know that there is no justifying this.... its just happened.... but just like people have left my life, there have been many new faces as well....

Personal reflections:
Well, as far as my inner self goes, to be perfectly honest, i havent exactly been truly happy with myself.... and i have been doing other thing to put that out of my mind thinking that if i just avoid it long enough, it will go away.... but i realised that it wont.... and now i an paying the consequences for it. To tell you the truth, i am a bit pissed off at myself.... partly due to the fact that i just couldnt be bothered to do more to prevent it when i had the chance and partly because i wasnt that worried about it when i should have been..... There have been some things that i have been doubtful about throughout the year and as the year ends, i am even more unsure about it then ever... there is also something else thats been bugging me since last night.... and thats the big reason why i am up at 6:30 in the morning writing this.... coz usually, my day doesnt start till after 11:59AM. As far as my highlight of the year, it goes to that one and only person who i love so much.... even when she gives me hell..... lol.

Things to look forward to:
well, the 2011 Rugby world cup is almost here. but as far as looking forward to thing in the more recent future, well, there is always another year of unknown mysteries to look forward to. and also coming up in part 2 of this summary, which will be written earlier next year, RI XMAS PARTY: hype or an aweesone party??

Dont forget:
Well i am sure as the new year dawns upon us, it would be a good time for all of us to take a look within ourselves this year and see how well we did...... yes, i am talking about NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!! here is something for you folks to do by yourself. look within yourself and see how many of your new year's resolutions from 2006 you managed to keep... also while you are at it, 2007 is approaching fast and is just around the corner..... so make sure you give yourself enough time to write up a new list of resolutions for next year.... and use that time to ACTUALLY write the resolutions and dont just bum around..... lol..

Well, that brings us to an end for the year......
Just before i go, i would just like to say that whatever has happened has happened, there is no going back now.... all we do have is our present and the uncertainty of our future..... make the most of it now while you still can... because you never know... Kal ho na ho (there might be no 2moro).

also just before i go, jaan, if you are reading this, just remember, i love you......


adios people
see you on the other side
on behalf of me, a merry 2006 christmas and a happy new year

Sankalp Dave

adrenaline junkie

you ever have one of those days when you find out that you actually like something that you thought you hated?? i have. i had an impossible day today.... you know one of those when you have such a massive job to do in such a short time that it would be lucky of you if you actually made it. my job: two thermodynamics lab reports . the time i have: 10 am to 4:30 pm. yea.... 7 hours 30 mins. these are things that i was given 2 weeks to complete. but in true engineering fashion, i did it all at the last minute. for that time, i drove myself miserable just to make sure that i complete it and while i do it, i hate myself for leaving it so late. but secretly i enjoy it. i focused all my emotions on it... sadness, anger... it was all directed at that keyboard. linear expansion coeffecient and specific heat capacity. never have i zoned out of everything else just to concentrate on just that one task. its scary. coz in the past, i have been known to muck around at the last minute. thats what i have always been like. that too... on the last friday.... the last day before mid-semester break. when everybody is at vesbar getting drunk, i was in that computer lab on WS level 3 writing how the verneir calliper's uncertainty contributed the greatest amount to the linear expansion coefficient's overall uncertainty. 2.5%. and then as the dead line drew nearer, the pressure increased. but i still stuck to it. gave it my all.... and when i handed it in. i thanked god that roy nates still hadnt emptied his box. but after that..... it just felt hollow... i was still pumped up.... still in the "under stress, i need to work faster" mode. and driving home after that is not a good idea.... i was so tempted to just slam my foot on the accelarator and just blast all them cars out the way.... but i couldnt.... i had to resist..... this aint no video games.... the G forces are real. the accelaration is real. those are real people in those cars. and they still got people who love them. just coz i might have lost the love of my life does not mean that i have any right to takes theirs away as well.... but the way i am going right now, it seems like i have a death wish. ill jump off a cliff to my death right now if i have to. i am all charged up. i have too much inside of me to take out.... but i got nothing to take it out on but myself. oh well.... i guess it will pass....

time management 101 and the consequences of not managing time

Ok, now this all started two weeks into this semester. i was telling a mate of mine about how i had done motor control involving servos and stepper motors back in 7th and 6th form using microcontrollers. thats when this whole episode started. he asked me if i was willing to help him out with robodemo. my first reaction was HELL YEA!!! why wouldnt i?? i had always wanted to do this.... so i said yea sure... i would love to.... and then just out of interest, i asked him, when is the comp?? he said 2 weeks....... 2 WEEKS!!! to build a robot and win a compitition. thats impossible..... so since then, i have tried my best to get it to work.... but in the end, we just didnt have enough time, our robot was too heavy, the base was too flimsy and the wheels were too small.... so when we put the 2.5 KG lead acid batterry on the base, it just went concave on us and since the wheels werent big enough and neither did they have enough grip, all we got was constant wheels spin. now when you have such major problems 15 mins before compitition, you have no choice but to pull out. but hey, thats life.... you cant do anything about it at that point of time but pull out.... so thats what we did.... we knew about an hour before comp that we cant make it.... but we still tried.... tried till almost the last minute.... they say never give up even when all hope seems lost. but sometimes, its stupid to continue knowing full well you cant make it..... you cant do anything about it.... so you have to give up.... so we still went to the comp... to see what the other teams came up with.... and yea.... i learned a few lessons.... speed and weaponry is not all that is needed to win.... all you need to win is speed control and nose design.... so with valuable lessons learned, we start preparing for next year's competition and hopefully, we do better next time around.