The dark time

right now i am sitting here at my comp.... my head in my hands.... just staring at the keyboard. There is so much to say, yet there are no words to describe it. There are so many emotions, yet i cant express them to her.... There is only one question, yet she cant answer it. There is only one thing i want. but that is the one thing she never understands. the minute it happened, my inner self started eroding away. i didnt notice it at first. but as the true implications started sinking in, as i realised exactly what it meant, it caught me off guard. i certainly did not anticipate this... this cannot be happening.... yet it is... i did not want this to happen... yet i could do nothing to stop it from happening when it did happen... and with each passing moment, its turning more and more of my insides into a rock. just a dead weight. it doesnt speak to me anymore like it used to. it doesnt respond when i ask it a question. i dont even know if it is alive anymore or not. my only sanctuary is my head in my hands staring at nothing in particular. just staring at whats infront of me. its gonna be this way until things go back to normal. until she is back with me. until we are happy together once more. but in the event that this does not happen, then i dont know what i would do. this is certainly something that i cannot prepare for no matter how much time i have. i feel mad. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel...... what is this i feel..... i cannot describe it. but its there.... OH TRUST ME!!! ITS DEFINATELY THERE!!! i have a feeling that my stubbornness have made things even worse. and i am admitting to myself that i am wrong. but i wont admit it to her. i cannot.... i dont know why, but i just cant. call it being egoistic. call it stupidity. call it whatever you want. but i just cant admit it to her. i can agree to it if she points it out. but i just wont admit it.

The way i see it, i have two options. i can either be really sad and miserable about it, or i can celebrate it. but i choose the first option. knowing full well of all the choices i have. why am i sad?? because i have hurt someone i love more than i love myself to the point of no return. and this has cost me dearly. 13 days is a lifetime apart. every second is driving me insane. every second makes me want to do something really painful and stupid to end this misery. the clock is still ticking away...... and i still love her. despite all that has happened, i still love her. i still need her and i will always love her till the moment i take my last breath before my eternal sleep. and if i lose her due to this, i will only blame one person. me. and i will hate this person for the rest of my life.

i HATE ME ALREADY!!!