times are changing

some people really close to me at some point during my life have always said, "Sankalp, you have changed"..... and up until now, i have been denying it.... saying no.... i am still the same old me.... but i was thinking today.... thinking back to how times have changed..... how my thinking has changed.... from that little boy who had just started year 9 at roskill to now.... a second year BE student.... its been over 6 years now.... and although i would like to think that i am the same old me, lets face it, i am not.... it scares me how much my thinking has changed.... the times have changed as well.... back in 2000, when i finished year 8, i remember something that used to be so scary.... i was the only indian guy in all of year 8 in my school.... and that was scary.... but times have changed a lot.... from a school of 200, i moved to a school of 2000.... and now to a university of 20000... i used to hate myself in year 8...... it stayed like that even when i started year 9 at roskill.... i used to hate myself coz i was indian.... and i didnt fit in with all the white kids.... now i am trying to go back..... back to my indian self.... finding that 11 year old buried somewhere inside of me... its hard..... coz in this process, i have become something that neither my indian self nor my wanna fit in with the white self recognises... its something totally new.... when these changes happened, no one knows..... not even me... i have given up trying to figure it out... i have gone back to liking hindi music.... but i still love rock.... i have been in NZ for a long time now..... yet for some reason, my heart yearns for india.... and i know for a fact that when i get there, i probably will be a bit disapppointed... coz its not the same place that it used to be back when i was there..... and what i want is what india used to be like 10 years ago... at the same time, the prospect of what life would have been like had i been in india does intrigue me... but here is the weird part..... i prefer watching rugby over cricket..... i support all blacks over the indian cricket team (partly because of their disappointing performance in the world cup)... but at the same time, i am still proud to be an indian.... its all so confusing.... and after this recent break down of my inner self..... i am starting to find new sides of me..... life has a whole new perspective for me.... fresh colours.... fresh ideas..... fresh rules.... new opportunities.... and best of all.... a more relaxed self.... the pain is starting to subside..... i have begun to rebuild myself.... and once i finish..... i will be a totally new sankalp to what i was a year ago..... the idea of leaving this place and moving away forever no longer scares me.... but its a plesant idea.... my life now is like brushing with a new broom.... its something i never saw coming.... but after all, it is mine....