a new beginning

time for a fresh start i guess..... helena has left now..... for good this time..... and i have also decided on something..... i did something which no doubt i will regret MAJORLY in the next coming months. but the pieces are set and the play is now in motion. there is no turning back now. call me a taurean but i am bloody stubborn. i set my mind on that one thing.... and to hell with the consequences and the rest of the world..... i did it.... and i feel a whole lot better now. its all gone. there is no holding back now. there is no dead weight. but along with the disappearance of that weight, it took a part of me with it. there is nothing there now. its a void. its doesnt exist..... and i am not in a particular hurry to fill that void..... but here is something that pisses me off..... when you give someone something, be it a best friend or a stranger, out of courtesy, you always thank the person.... its almost rude not to. but rather than thanking me, all i get in return is "sorry, i cannot accept it." now this is coming from someone who gave me a lot of sh*t about this thing.... had to fight her endlessly for hours to convince her to wait... and now that i did give it to her, she tells me she cant accept it..... well, to hell with that.... she is taking it.... i dont care how she does it... but i am not taking it back..... this was on friday 23rd of march 2007. since then, india got beaten by sri lanka and got knocked out of the world cup and blues won against the waratahs in eden park. life moves on. i am finding it a bit difficult and very depressive at times to move on..... but i am getting there. and along the way, all the gujju jokes and being called a "tsunami victim" by your friends doesnt always help. yes gagan, this one is meant for you..... but hey, it lifts the mood up and takes my mind off things.... but now i have made my mind up...... no more running after her and apologising for my mistakes..... coz i dont want any more doors shut in my face..... and i am sure as hell not gonna let my self esteem suffer to make someone else feel better.... i am my own man now. she knows i am here if she wants to talk.... but that doesnt mean the chase starts as soon as she says hi.... i have my plans set in my mind.... i know where i want to be a year from now. what i want to look like and what my financial goals are. those are all the things that matter now. gagan was right.... only the heart is stupid enough to love.... and a girl whose love comes from her mind does not truly love you. this has helped..... now i know what i want in my perfect girl. the list has started. i know this depression will pass..... and it will take time.... i would like to finish this entry off with a quote from david gemmell.
"Men must face what they fear or be destroyed by it."

from the legend of the deathwalker.


i was afraid to live my life without her...... but now i am......

until next time....

Sankalp