process of recovery

its been a week or two now. and things are getting a lot easier to deal with now then they were to being with. looking back, i can tell you that she has been the only best and the worst thing that has happened to me so far. best for showing me all those great times we had and worst for how weak she left me feeling when she left. but its all on the recovery process now. it will take time no doubt. but it will happen. the pain and the numbness will go away. the feeling of heavy heartedness. it will go away... soon. but in the meanwhile, all i can do is rough it out. what else can i do?? its as if i brought it upon myself. there is a saying which goes something like this: "you dont know what you got till its gone." well, it is so damm true. but then again, it had to happen soon anyways, i was a fool to think that something was gonna work out between me and her. as of now, i am just concentrating on going back to my old self.... being single..... and all the freedoms and restrictions that come with it. i keep telling myself that one day, this will pass..... lets just hope it comes true....

a new beginning

time for a fresh start i guess..... helena has left now..... for good this time..... and i have also decided on something..... i did something which no doubt i will regret MAJORLY in the next coming months. but the pieces are set and the play is now in motion. there is no turning back now. call me a taurean but i am bloody stubborn. i set my mind on that one thing.... and to hell with the consequences and the rest of the world..... i did it.... and i feel a whole lot better now. its all gone. there is no holding back now. there is no dead weight. but along with the disappearance of that weight, it took a part of me with it. there is nothing there now. its a void. its doesnt exist..... and i am not in a particular hurry to fill that void..... but here is something that pisses me off..... when you give someone something, be it a best friend or a stranger, out of courtesy, you always thank the person.... its almost rude not to. but rather than thanking me, all i get in return is "sorry, i cannot accept it." now this is coming from someone who gave me a lot of sh*t about this thing.... had to fight her endlessly for hours to convince her to wait... and now that i did give it to her, she tells me she cant accept it..... well, to hell with that.... she is taking it.... i dont care how she does it... but i am not taking it back..... this was on friday 23rd of march 2007. since then, india got beaten by sri lanka and got knocked out of the world cup and blues won against the waratahs in eden park. life moves on. i am finding it a bit difficult and very depressive at times to move on..... but i am getting there. and along the way, all the gujju jokes and being called a "tsunami victim" by your friends doesnt always help. yes gagan, this one is meant for you..... but hey, it lifts the mood up and takes my mind off things.... but now i have made my mind up...... no more running after her and apologising for my mistakes..... coz i dont want any more doors shut in my face..... and i am sure as hell not gonna let my self esteem suffer to make someone else feel better.... i am my own man now. she knows i am here if she wants to talk.... but that doesnt mean the chase starts as soon as she says hi.... i have my plans set in my mind.... i know where i want to be a year from now. what i want to look like and what my financial goals are. those are all the things that matter now. gagan was right.... only the heart is stupid enough to love.... and a girl whose love comes from her mind does not truly love you. this has helped..... now i know what i want in my perfect girl. the list has started. i know this depression will pass..... and it will take time.... i would like to finish this entry off with a quote from david gemmell.
"Men must face what they fear or be destroyed by it."

from the legend of the deathwalker.


i was afraid to live my life without her...... but now i am......

until next time....

Sankalp

the memories continue........

all hope is lost...... i just dont know what to do anymore. it seems like i have lost all interestes in everything but my work. i bunked lectures again today. i just cannot face those memories. even my room is filled with them. looks like this whole me being alone in the house is making it worse. but hey, atleast work is good. it gives me a reason to get myself out of this isolation. gives me a reason to go out and socialise. its at times like these that you really appreciate the friends you have. it helps to get your mind off things. it helps to take the painfull memories away. when you live in a house full of these memories, it is a great relief to take the burden away. but it is only for a little while and sure enough, they do return when i am alone in these places. i can feel it weighing down on me. i am neither here nor there. i just dont wanna live anymore.

i cannot bring myself to forget her.....

today has been a terrible day..... i cannot do this..... this was the exact reason i didnt go to uni yesterday..... its those memories...... and today has been the worst. every single place i go..... it haunts me..... she doesnt love me..... and yet thought and memories of her wont leave me either. cannot even bring myself to look in the mirror anymore. every single moment today has made me wish i was dead. its everything around me...... every bit of it reminds me of her.... like the brown t shirt i am wearing today.... used to be her favorite..... even the sacred computer labs on level 3.... the access card form with her writing in it.... they all make me wish i got shot or run over or had a heart attack and died instantly... i really want to die..... i know it sounds selfish.... but thats just how i feel.... its the easy way out.... the cowardly way.... but what else can i do.... i tried to hide it from the outside world..... but even that doesnt work anymore...

if anyone has a better idea, let me know......

a liar is a liar is a liar

far out.... i am a mess..... you ever go and screw up something that means the world to you?? i have..... i have gone and screwed it all up..... possibly forever.... i dont know what to do..... i have driven her away forever and this is all my fault. a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie. even a little lie is a lie.... and lying never does anyone any good... all it does is make babies cry. how do you convince someone who thinks you are a full time liar?? i know i shouldnt have done what i did...... but yet i did it anyways...... and i screwed it all up when i told her the truth..... and now she is gone.... i dont feel like doing anything now..... i didnt even go to uni today.... my only salvation is work.... the only place she hasnt been.... the only place where there are no memories of her being there.... and ill admit it.... seeing shots of her with another guy's arms around her burns me from the inside. makes me wish i was dead. i am afraid to even open up a MSN convo window with her....... i cant even look at photos of her anymore.... coz i know i will lose it..... i will end up a mess of tears if i do..... but right here behind me is the book she returned to me.... with a rose and a pic inside.... my favorite book of all time.... david gemmell.... i am trying.... but i cannot stop thinking about what i did to her..... i cannot possibly move on.... not now.... not ever..... not after what i did to her.... and this is all my fault.... she has every right to blame me.... every right to leave me..... but that doesnt mean that its all gone.... that its all forgotten.... this is what i came up with for her..... based on the same tune to the song by hoobastank- the reason
"i am sorry that i hurt you.
i never meant for it to be this way.
and now i have lost you.
i wish there was something i could say,
that would (take) all this hurt and this pain away.
and bring you back to me.
but now i see that its too late.
i hope you have a happy life.
without me next to you.
without me hurting you.
without me loving you.
the life you always wanted,
looks like your wish did come true.
a life in which ill be missing you.
but all i can say is that i am sorry for lying to you."

but she still thinks i am a liar..............

a blast from the past

ok, so a few days ago, at the insistance of varun, i finnaly started up my orkut profile..... and tonight while i wait for matlab 7 to install, i thought i would just go and browse orkut for a while.... and of all the people, guess who i decided to search..... my old friends from AG. munjal and jinay. now i had been trying to find these guys on hi5 for months now.... but finally gave up a fruitless search. i was starting to think that they had completely disappeared off the face of this earth and all they will remain is a memory from the past. but i found them.... and jinay still looks pretty much the same as i remember him..... but its so good to be back in touch with those guys.... i use to hango ut with those guys at school back when i was 10 or 11..... last time i saw them was when i was 14..... so yea.... its been a long time since i last kept in touch with either of them.... but i finally found them.... YAY!!!